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26 September 2023 @ 01:29 am
Some entries are Friends Only, some are public.

25 July 2014 @ 03:02 pm
I was in such a bad way emotionally this a.m. that I decided I was happier when I wasn't perfect. Or perfectly, painfully honest about things that are not that important but make me feel guilty.
15 July 2014 @ 12:19 pm
This is Martin Freeman, who of course plays Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit movies. That cup reminded me of one I bought a few years ago at Goodwill for .50¢. It now has a chip in it, but I really love it, it just has happy stripes on it (see second pic, found quite a few pics of it in Google, since it was a Starbucks mug).


large on black
07 July 2014 @ 03:22 pm
Had a double birthday dinner, not much got talked about, middle bro got rather plastered. That was on Friday. I went out for little while to see what fireworks were going on locally, and sat and watched few blocks away, for a while. Just enough so I didn't feel deprived, not enough to be bored. The local police look the other way every year while monstrous displays go on, it's all okay if no one gets hurt.

They ignore just about everything I think. A friend reported a rather suspicious "Asian Bodywork" establishment that lists no services, has nothing but towels and lovely young Asian women in it. They are open all hours, apparently. It doesn't remotely look like a legitimate massage parlor. I don't think anything is going to get done about it. There is no vice squad in this police dept.

I wonder what would happen if they asked for passports? These women were no doubt lured out of their country with the promise of jobs, then had their passports taken, were drugged and beaten, and of course they don't even speak the language. If anyone gets arrested, the girls will get deported, and the pimps? I wonder.

Someone gave me a website, ph# to report human trafficking. Might be the only resort. This is not the first such place to pop up within a few blocks, and it seems like they were there years before anyone caught on.
27 June 2014 @ 05:48 pm
Kind of freaked out--a friend from high school/college just friend requested me on Facebook. I had pretty much sworn her off. She basically did the same to me many years ago, said I was her best friend...not that I felt the same way or wanted her to say that, I felt clumsy about it.

She kept saying I could talk to her about anything, anything, whenever I felt like talking to anyone. Then she seemed to do a turnabout, one day told me how selfish I was, etc.

Bottom line I don't feel like friending her back. Though maybe an explanation is in order. Other than the great big telling off, there is other stuff. One major thing is that there was a night I went out walking and met her and a friend, not intentionally, they just happened to be out at the same time really late.

They acted really weird but said they were going to the rectory and I went with them, and something quite nasty happened that my alters told me about. I barely remember anything. It took me years to realize something happened, and longer to figure out just what I'm saying now.

Counselors were saying I need to forgive her for not listening to me when I really needed someone to talk to. I didn't tell them everything, there just wasn't time. There is more.

But I just don't trust her--I can't believe someone who called herself my best friend expects to friend me again without some kind of discussion. I am seriously afraid that whatever she did that night is something she was involved in again.

This just is not right.
24 June 2014 @ 03:00 pm
I happened to pick up a book to look at while I was waiting for a computer--I Forgot to Remember by Su Meck. I flipped to the last chapter or so, and she's talking about not being able to remember anything, some days not even how to read or do math, and that she is too embarrassed to ask or explain sometimes. The description of her mindset is so familiar.

"Early on, I had learned to swallow my questions altogether or to only occasionally ask Jim or the kids about stuff I didn't understand. I clung to Jim's side in public, following his cues, speaking only when I was absolutely sure of the right thing to say."

That's how I feel a lot of the time, most of my life I have felt that way. That I remember.

I was "remembering" some stuff from my teen life (someone says "lie") and of course it isn't pretty, about my mom. I want to figure out the lie before I say it.

I already feel I have told my Al-anon friends a version of the truth that at least falls short of something major. I was doing my best at the time, and I was sort of aware something was telling me just not to say anything. But it's kind of hard not to say anything.

I made a Tumblr account after seeing a post about the autism community there, I'm entersinging. I don't know if I'm going to do much there, I don't seem to be able to do much at a lot of the places I have an account. No internet or even non-internet computer at home, so, yep.
13 June 2014 @ 04:09 pm
made a couple weeks ago, just messing with brushes and textures. But I don't know what I want to do with the graphic program. Some other stuff.

And a Marilyn icon, after googling 'woman writing in journal'.



10 June 2014 @ 05:07 pm
I had a dream about me in a clothing store, buying navy pants and a blouse, or picking them out--like I was getting something free. But there was a pink and white cotton sweater-knit skirt and blouse that was supposed to go with the pants. It had shell buttons (w/ one hole near the edge) and white or opalescent white seed beads all over it, I think a largish checker pattern in pink or white as the knitted pattern. I couldn't even pursue the thought of choosing that, although I liked it. I did think that I should

I left that store or clothes acquisition place, and I guess met  with Francois and she asked me to go to her  place of work and sign in for her and be there in her  place and sign the time sheet for her, sign in and out. I went and I knew all she needed was for someone to sign in and out for her, but I was reluctant to do it, so I just went there and walked around trying to get the courage to go to the desk to sign her in, but trying to figure out how to do it and not be caught but not really wanting to do it.

Later I think I was at Kevin's and was still working there, still interacting with their family. Then Don and Margaret's which is a bit disturbing. They ...I can't remember this part of the dream. Not really disturbing, I guess.

I woke up and thought that knitted skirt and sweater outfit was something only a grandmother would wear. I did just pick out a shirt with shell buttons just lately, at a free store/church clothes closet. But it was raw linen color with blue paisleys, not so bad. And only enough real shell buttons to be useful, not all over the clothes as decoration.

F. is an RN, and one time a certain pastor I knew from RCC had told me I could be a nurse--I said I didn't know what my career should be. That was over the top as far as him telling me what my abilities were, I thought.

But the dream is about me being leery of doing something in a dream that in real life I would never do.

Don & Margaret were there at the end, we were going on a road trip. It seemed to be delayed. I remember we were going on a church trip and the inner folks just messed things up, they were not going, misbehaved the whole trip. I did not even realize then I was an atheist. The church involvement was mostly not customary for me, so I guessed that was it.

I would not buy that outfit or even waste my time taking it home if it were free, no one I know would want it. I would not even sign someone else's name in at a hospital as employee or patient, I don't care for the punishment. I am kind of glad for going on the church trip for things I learned, but I felt like I was going along with them pretending to want to be an evangelist as they were. But I wanted to learn.

It was about me trying to keep up with what seemed to be expected of me, what I was told, what I thought was expected of me, I was aiming at perfection in what I thought human beings expected of me. I guess this is trying to tell me I am on the right path so far, just need to trust my gut and my heart.
07 June 2014 @ 04:26 pm
The library is my home away from home, my shelter and the place I run to. This is a graphic from their front page. I do not belong to the Book Club. I joined years ago because a friend urged me. I was a lot less of a joiner then. It might be nice now.

I have been hanging out at a church facility, used to be a Mason hall, now it's a place for meetings,  Bible study, community meals. I haven't attended church but at the Vineyard and then only twice. Lots of reasons.

05 June 2014 @ 07:09 pm
Heh, more fun with graphics--my textures, my brushes, a gradient:


I am reading Banished, by Lauren Drain and Lisa Pulitzer. (I'm reading it at the library, as I've racked up my fines again.) It's about a woman who got involved with the Westboro Baptist Church when she was a teen, because her father had joined and brought in his family. He isolated her and controlled her, so far as I have read. The church deliberately wants to stir up anger, which will cause them to be persecuted, and that means they will earn Brownie points with God. Which I guess pretty many people get by now.
29 May 2014 @ 12:59 pm
Do not know what was wrong with me yesterday, but it did me good to vent. I went with my friend Linda to help her unload some of her pottery to a gift shop and she unexpectedly gave me 10 bucks. I gave some away already, might save some for coffee, on sale this week at CVS, & for some green beans. But it's good to be able to give at meetings & stuff, I feel so bad when I keep passing the basket on.

The gift shop was about as trendy as you get on this side of town, lots of fun stuff I wish I could afford. The owner, Tara, gave me a hearty hug when she met me, then before I left.
28 May 2014 @ 12:25 pm
I couldn't be less happy today, I went to an Al-anon meeting this a.m. and there was nothing but more and more confusion, and frustration. Compounded by my same old way with dealing with things, all of the same old ways. I got a magazine (Forum) and a tip on what to read in the books. But I just feel like I separate myself from everyone else, even when I am acting friendly and helpful.

It doesn't help that I just feel like I am in the middle old things, old acts that I don't remember, I wasn't there for.

And I must be doing things majorly wrong for the sake of getting it done now instead of waiting, but I can't wait anymore.

And it was a shitty morning, getting along with my mother is costing me my relationship with my sister.
22 May 2014 @ 04:49 pm
So they have had GIMP at the library for a while, but I've been so intimidated by the complete unfamiliarity of it, and being busy enough with other things online that I had just thought, no way. SO last week or so I decided to mess around with it a bit, and woot. I learned to invert color and used that in some paint goodies.

Then I wandered into the idea of brushes, tried and failed and gave up for the time being, today decided to try again, having realized I learned a bit while flailing away. Which is the way it has been. At first I thought there was no way, went back and forth. Lol, then learned "anchor layer" prevents the awful white line and JPEG style pixelization. In the second illustration, I used a different color for the smaller bird, layered onto the enlargement of the bottom left hand corner, but you can still see that the edge is smoother and no white line or pixelization.

Anway, I am really really happy about this. :D It was so frustrating when I'd see all kinds of fantastic effects in icons and graphics here at LJ and I couldn't do them.

19 May 2014 @ 02:53 pm
I made an icon, it took about an hour:


Just sayin'. ( I had to work at the text,
it's paint and I couldn't
even center it, had to cut and do it by hand.;P)

I had to clean my room this week, the bug spray dood was coming. It looks better, but for months the furniture has been away from the wall  because I never put it back after the first wave of bug killing. It just didn't matter and I just couldn't calm down and get organized.

It does look better than it has in years, one of my brothers was very helpful cleaning it.
Current Location: see above
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: library
17 May 2014 @ 04:33 pm

I feel...kind of messed up. Felt great after praying a while this a.m., but it keeps coming up that you cannot always feel happy, it's about what you do.

Wish I could get more organized. Sometimes. I remember my mom saying that. And she did get more organized. But ...what a mess. So maybe I just need to wait?

I was talking about my mom to someone at a church function a couple days ago ( I still do not attend actual services, just the activities). She either went to Catholic Charismatic (healing touch, speaking in tongues, etc.) or knew some people who did and talked to them. She definitely did go to and sometimes host in our home "discussion group" meetings once a month.

That was a bunch of people from our parish talking about politics or whatever topic was the theme that month, something from a Christian or Catholic angle.

But she drifted out of that when she began to drink. I don't know what happened, I doubt they were mean about it. Or not very much.

But she quit that, which she seemed to like a lot, but I guess she couldn't quit drinking for that.

But she came away from these two things saying that all disease is a product of the mind, that if you think you are well all will be well, etc. But she kept drinking uncontrollably, just hiding it. Apparently in denial about it. Like

OMG almost a fistfight, at the library, some guy hitting a kid who stole from him. Oh my God.

EDIT 911 being called.

Some kid stole copper wire from some adult, maybe outside, and I don't blame him for being mad, but the kids says he didn't. Maybe he's convinced kid did, but all of us are not. But cops are on their way.
Tags: ,
15 May 2014 @ 05:45 pm

Those are about the ISH, various theories and research, plus Dissociation magazine.

A heck of a lot of food for thought, or reading, and I do not have much time online.
13 May 2014 @ 03:58 pm

bw100 peacepaint bw1002

bwbanner destiny lies

bw1003 abstrcross abstr1


having fun, making icons and some banners.
26 April 2014 @ 04:16 pm
I'm listening to a video by an ex-Roman Catholic nun who is decribing being forced to crawl on her knees until she faints, then cold water is poured on her to revive her so she can crawl more...forced to lick a cross. This is all to gain favors and salvation for others. She was a nun from age 16. Catholic priests collecting tons of money to pay for masses said for deceased Roman Catholics.

She was asked to sign her 3 vows in blood. Priests would always bring liquor to confession. She's in a chamber hanging from chains and she has to stand there naked for 2 or 3 days. Bugs and mice, when she falls. Holy shit, pardon the expression. Pregnant, teeth kicked out by a priests. Babies are born in this chamber, the priests kicks them till the baby is born?

No wonder there aren't any more nuns (yes there are a few, but only a trickle compared to what). The mother superior kills the baby.

How could you ever tell someone? It gets worse. Murder.

And nothing is about salvation or Christ as other Christians know it/Him.

Edit: and this explains why nuns always look so unhealthy.

Her book here, I guess, I can read it later.
19 April 2014 @ 05:37 pm

Been looking for that for years.
19 April 2014 @ 04:39 pm
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

©1995 Kingsway's Thankyou Music
Words and Music by Stuart Townend

Youtube interview with Townend

Youtube, Rhee version

I went to an open AA meeting where there was a very good lead:

"the EGO likes to be better than, or worse than"

"When you feel your problems don't matter or you can't share them, it's the first step to withdrawing".

Then I went to church and they were playing that song. I haven't been to the church for a few years, I think, or any, except once to sit in a catholic church, the one around the corner where I attended seventh & eighth grade. I talked to my friend Fran for a long time, we prayed. Nightmares and I guess I know the reason for them. But I had a nasty one where I had this big ugly wart on my toe, it had a little wart on it, then it got knocked off but there was no blood. I looked at the bottom of my foot and it was really crusty and bizarre, sort of looked like there were tumors. There was a part of a plastic credit card, or something like that that had a part of a bar code on it, red on white card. I thought it was under the skin & I'm like ugh, someone put a chip in me, but it was not really under, just had a flap of skin over it. There was blood under the skin but none outside the body. This for me is a classic, where there should be blood and there is none (looked like all kinds of bits of my foot would fall off but they didn't), it means I am not forgiving something or someone.

I just don't remember a whole lot of stuff in my life, and I'm wondering how I can forgive what I am not aware of?

Eh, Happy Easter.
21 March 2014 @ 05:52 pm
{Dream} I spent a lot of time yesterday writing out a dream, still have not finished, in one of my two paper journals. It was a post-apocalyptic one, where I was going from Kentucky to Ohio to Canada and in each place a dubious act by a man took place. One was my sponsor's husband, in real life a pretty nice guy, as far as I can tell. The second was by my grandfather who has been dead for...20 years? It was a pretty creepy thing to do, though in real life he might have done it--but in the dream he was quite ill. I ignored what he did, hoping the likelihood of it happening again would go away. The third one was my dad--in the dream he was younger--who was supposed to take me and my mom to Canada to get away from the ...crazy hordes who might loot the house and kill us?

He picked me up at the house once I made my way there, then my mom went from the house to the end of a bridge in town that connects the Western side of town to downtown. We got to the end of the bridge where she was waiting and he slowed down, then passed her up, pretending it was an accident. But it felt deliberate. Before I woke up it seems like he was backing up to get her. She was much younger too, and was wearing a coat and matching skirt that were red plaid. IRL she would never have worn that outfit, it was too upper crusty for her and she never wears red or non-neutral colors except maybe a dark green or blue or black. Usually just greys, grey-greens, browns, khakis.

She did wear a little red when younger. Anyway, she looked beautiful. IRL she only ever complained about her looks and seemed jealous of mine and her sister's, NEVER mentioned her other daughter's looks. I sometimes want to say some of the VERY uncomplimentary things she said about women who are pretty or beautiful--they are stupid because everyone else always does things for them.

I am afraid to say this to my sister because it will come out as mom-bashing, or I will say it wrong somehow, it seems. I just want her to know how shallow and nasty I think my mother is. She is just so mean. I want to pour out the things she said and did.

Also Lisa Kudrow was in it toward the end, I think she just signified the idea of FRIEND. I is just odd about the going north and 3 men in it, though. At first I thought Dennis, the first man had done something wrong or sexist, but I was told he was not coming with us North because he had not yet learned what he needed to learn in KY. This was from a survival group down there. My grandfather I guess was quite sick and going to die anyway (IRL dead for quite a while), so not going North. In the dream his 'bad action' was, well, ugly--he started rubbing my L. breast and saying he thought he felt love for me. I guess since it's a dream, this was more about intimacy and 'feeling', 'feeling' what was in my heart. Also dreaming of the dead is supposed to mean food, that which goes below ground comes up. And dreaming about my dad is supposed to mean standing on my own two feet, that I've been provided with tools and taught how to use them, and I need to proceed now and be my own person, not have other people doing things for me. { /DREAM}

{JOURNALS}Anyway, about the journals: Since about 1997 I've kept one that's written in every day, have had many of them, & finally in about 2010 or '11, I started making my own. Before '97, I tended to have school-type notebooks where I kept less formal stuff, just venting or writing things down that bothered me, unexplained feelings. I'm glad I did because now some of them make sense.

For a couple years I've kept a journal in a composition style notebook and called it "Occupation" because I feel like I needed to discuss what we do every day, or what we should be doing. But it's just venting and I kind of feel like it's gotten mixed up with our everyday journal, but whatever. Sometimes the dreams get written in one or the other but not both. {/JOURNALS}
20 March 2014 @ 04:40 pm
This basically just wank, stuff we do when we get on the computer. The first group is lightly modified if at all, the second is much more out of our head or very modified bits put together and altered.

the drawings may make it look like it all got simpler as a body got older but not so, we all have a different style and go back and forth. So the style goes back and forth.


icons etc.Collapse )