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Some entries are Friends Only, some are public.

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Been looking for that for years.

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How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

©1995 Kingsway's Thankyou Music
Words and Music by Stuart Townend

I went to an open AA meeting where there was a very good lead:

"the EGO likes to be better than, or worse than"

"When you feel your problems don't matter or you can't share them, it's the first step to withdrawing".

Then I went to church and they were playing that song. I haven't been to the church for a few years, I think, or any, except once to sit in a catholic church, the one around the corner where I attended seventh & eighth grade. I talked to my friend Fran for a long time, we prayed. Nightmares and I guess I know the reason for them. But I had a nasty one where I had this big ugly wart on my toe, it had a little wart on it, then it got knocked off but there was no blood. I looked at the bottom of my foot and it was really crusty and bizarre, sort of looked like there were tumors. There was a part of a plastic credit card, or something like that that had a part of a bar code on it, red on white card. I thought it was under the skin & I'm like ugh, someone put a chip in me, but it was not really under, just had a flap of skin over it. There was blood under the skin but none outside the body. This for me is a classic, where there should be blood and there is none (looked like all kinds of bits of my foot would fall off but they didn't), it means I am not forgiving something or someone.

I just don't remember a whole lot of stuff in my life, and I'm wondering how I can forgive what I am not aware of?

Eh, Happy Easter.

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{Dream} I spent a lot of time yesterday writing out a dream, still have not finished, in one of my two paper journals. It was a post-apocalyptic one, where I was going from Kentucky to Ohio to Canada and in each place a dubious act by a man took place. One was my sponsor's husband, in real life a pretty nice guy, as far as I can tell. The second was by my grandfather who has been dead for...20 years? It was a pretty creepy thing to do, though in real life he might have done it--but in the dream he was quite ill. I ignored what he did, hoping the likelihood of it happening again would go away. The third one was my dad--in the dream he was younger--who was supposed to take me and my mom to Canada to get away from the ...crazy hordes who might loot the house and kill us?

He picked me up at the house once I made my way there, then my mom went from the house to the end of a bridge in town that connects the Western side of town to downtown. We got to the end of the bridge where she was waiting and he slowed down, then passed her up, pretending it was an accident. But it felt deliberate. Before I woke up it seems like he was backing up to get her. She was much younger too, and was wearing a coat and matching skirt that were red plaid. IRL she would never have worn that outfit, it was too upper crusty for her and she never wears red or non-neutral colors except maybe a dark green or blue or black. Usually just greys, grey-greens, browns, khakis.

She did wear a little red when younger. Anyway, she looked beautiful. IRL she only ever complained about her looks and seemed jealous of mine and her sister's, NEVER mentioned her other daughter's looks. I sometimes want to say some of the VERY uncomplimentary things she said about women who are pretty or beautiful--they are stupid because everyone else always does things for them.

I am afraid to say this to my sister because it will come out as mom-bashing, or I will say it wrong somehow, it seems. I just want her to know how shallow and nasty I think my mother is. She is just so mean. I want to pour out the things she said and did.

Also Lisa Kudrow was in it toward the end, I think she just signified the idea of FRIEND. I is just odd about the going north and 3 men in it, though. At first I thought Dennis, the first man had done something wrong or sexist, but I was told he was not coming with us North because he had not yet learned what he needed to learn in KY. This was from a survival group down there. My grandfather I guess was quite sick and going to die anyway (IRL dead for quite a while), so not going North. In the dream his 'bad action' was, well, ugly--he started rubbing my L. breast and saying he thought he felt love for me. I guess since it's a dream, this was more about intimacy and 'feeling', 'feeling' what was in my heart. Also dreaming of the dead is supposed to mean food, that which goes below ground comes up. And dreaming about my dad is supposed to mean standing on my own two feet, that I've been provided with tools and taught how to use them, and I need to proceed now and be my own person, not have other people doing things for me. { /DREAM}

{JOURNALS}Anyway, about the journals: Since about 1997 I've kept one that's written in every day, have had many of them, & finally in about 2010 or '11, I started making my own. Before '97, I tended to have school-type notebooks where I kept less formal stuff, just venting or writing things down that bothered me, unexplained feelings. I'm glad I did because now some of them make sense.

For a couple years I've kept a journal in a composition style notebook and called it "Occupation" because I feel like I needed to discuss what we do every day, or what we should be doing. But it's just venting and I kind of feel like it's gotten mixed up with our everyday journal, but whatever. Sometimes the dreams get written in one or the other but not both. {/JOURNALS}

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hahaCollapse )

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This basically just wank, stuff we do when we get on the computer. The first group is lightly modified if at all, the second is much more out of our head or very modified bits put together and altered.

the drawings may make it look like it all got simpler as a body got older but not so, we all have a different style and go back and forth. So the style goes back and forth.


icons etc.Collapse )

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We have been lying on the floor listening to music, and it feels like it's changing us. I don't know who's doing everything, we feel like a system within a system within a system.

This is Ben. There is someone new at the front last few months, apparently, Ella. This is because the core is supposedly not the core anymore, but I doubt this. We just have weird ...the system is so odd. So full of so many of us.

We watched The Hobbit, An Unexpected Journey. Made us want to look up forums for it, which there must have been plenty of while it was being filmed, so why didn't we look this up before? We liked the one vBulletin forum we joined, but it felt like a once in a lifetime thing, kind of like everything new we try.

You only pass this way but once in life.

We are re-reading My Descent Into Death, by Howard Storm. I like it a lot, it's very helpful. The primary and scary thing is that if you use the name of Jesus to achieve your own goals, you will regret it, because it's the ultimate sin, to use the name of Jesus  this way.

I remember asking my brother this when I was a kid, and


She asked what a mortal sin was, had heard about mortal and venial sin. He shrugged and said, "I don't know"--like he was mystified too.

/I guess this is Ben, or his type of post. There was a trial in the last day, maybe last 2 weeks. Freedom kept saying "DEFEATED" we kept hearing the word over the weeks. On the last Food Pantry day there had been that emergency and then in the 2 days following, 2 more EMTand or Firetruck showups, on on Carmel, the other on Cheviot Ave.

We prayed for them and for a guy asking for money yesterday--maybe he was a fake. We were eating ramen noodles at the time, had spent part of our last dollar, literally. Too funny. Last dollar that we know of.

So, still doing good deeds to the best of our ability. BEN

Anyway, that Food Pantry day, first Wed. in March, we heard "voir dire" on the way home, as though there were a jury being selected for a trial. First anyone at the front had heard of it. FIDEL.

Then yesterday we heard Defeat, Defeated. Over and over and we had heard it before in the days before and also the week or two before. IT's kind of jarring to hear that that way. But I have been reading that it is that way at the front, that memory is weak of what goes on in the head space, and vice versa. BARRY

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Just a really sweet pic of Mandy Patinkin and his dad, Lester, who died rather young.

I am just rereading some pages from Howard Storm's book, Descent Into Death, about his near death exp.

He did not want to come back to his life after meeting Jesus and the angels but the angels said they would come with him, so he said okay. Good thing we have angels, but most of us have not died, I don't think. Liz did, apparently, or the Liz who was apparently the core. Now she is back.

Hungry, should maybe have gone home, but it's hard to get time at a computer in the library.

We sprayed for bedbugs before leaving for home and after a while the nozzle clogged.

I feel miserable about this. It's so stupid, and I keep spreading these damn things, or I feel I do.

And in general I have a paranoid feeling that I feel about everything, that my life is going to be worthless, etc., etc. It has to do with me feeling like my life isn't really going to be worth anything. I hate that, wish I knew where I was going and what I'm doing, and that I had what it takes to do it all, get organized and do what I am really supposed to do.

I think I keep letting stupid selfish motives be the reason behind doing what I do.

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Whatever's worth doing isn't easy. [Platitude for the week]

I feel so guilty. There is a problem or 3 I am having trouble with and I can't talk about it, it's hurting me and my relationship with Real Life friends It's just that there is something I am not telling them and ...I can't talk about it, it hurts me everyday. It's partly about not being able to take care of my self and having NO discipline. There are some things I cannot make myself do, including some grooming stuff. Not on a regular basis, not as regular as it should be to be socially acceptable.

This just sucks. But.. a lot things are just slowly moving toward where they should be, it's kind of regular and automatic.

I summer Barry finally admitted he was the one making stuff disappear, and why. Things that disappear now are showing up in regular old places instead of never, ever being seen again. This is so comforting.

The library fine is making its way up again ...but it's still not too bad, I just want it to stay low, I wish I could keep track better.

(my new icon, a lavender elephant from a pic of a tote bag made from an teabag art image, with Bangalore font text)

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If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through . . .

  1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

  2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

  3. We will comprehend the word serenity.

  4. We will know peace.

  5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

  6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

  7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

  8. Self-seeking will slip away.

  9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

  10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

  11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

  12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

kindmemory [userpic]

Happy Birthday, recrea33

kindmemory [userpic]

"I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with my life." --Inigo Montoya

kindmemory [userpic]

I think I had a weird episode over the holidays, had to reconnect with my counseling from church finally. Really it was good, but I see just how crazy I am, or I feel like it, and miserable. At my Thurs. Al-anon meeting, last night obv., they were talking about how when you look at how bad things are, you just get miserable. But if you think of the good stuff, you feel a lot better.

I had some kind of Birthday party this morning at 2 am. I am a Christian now, because I let Jesus in. We have been having KOI, which is our invention, just when people have a problem they go into Kingdom Only Isolation. That was originally invented because we had a "critter problem", demons in fact, and I (or someone) figured if the demons got shoved in a corner with Jesus and a bunch of angels, they'd hightail it back to hell or just someplace else entirely.

So I went in and it is weird that I never did before. But I was feeling absolutely insane over Christmas, over the same old stuff in my life and the thought that I was just going downhill as fast as falling off a cliff. Emotionally it was like the sky was falling and I just had no commitment to anything and nothing but insane worries in my head, rushing thoughts and I figured it was a schizophrenic episode. So I thought it was weird I never did it before, since I send everyone else there when there is an emotional problem or they are bothering other people.

It was NOT what I expected and I got a look at myself, it was sad, one particular feature of my life. I guess there was some kind of torture chamber associated with guilt. I don't get it, I know emotionally I feel like hell punishing myself for things, and I sure would get angry at people on the outside and fantasize about hurting them, but I figured it was just imagination and ...

I still don't know what it was like, I have no memory of any torture chamber/Chamber of Secrets, but I remember thinking I feel guilty too much and I do torture myself emotionally. This is so ugly.

I did have a night when I thought the heat was too high, because I woke up sweating pretty profusely. I shrugged it off and it hasn't happened since, I guess it was  a few weeks ago. But lately someone is saying Ty is sick, so I wonder if that was him. He has been really quiet lately I think. But it does seem like he's sick.

Anyway at 2am, 1 week exactly from the time I accepted Jesus (1/9/14 2am), I thought I should go below, and there were these fireworks. I seemed to be actually seeing some lights exploding, and was feeling  a strong positive emotion when they were going off, like they were fireworks with healing power in them, made from healing power.

If I posted this at any Christian sites, I wonder what the reaction would be. Mostly not positive I think. Though you never know.

And there were also feelings of misery and difficulty seeing what was happening, you only know what happens on the inside, you rarely see it.

Also there had been and continue to be thoughts that I am moving too fast, that haste makes waste in the spiritual world. If I could feel better and more confident I think I would, well, I am doing my best to be happy.


kindmemory [userpic]

About the sniffing: I heard my mom do that the other day, without the handflapping that goes along with it for us. And I remember my older bro used to do that, just the sniffing. Lately we've been sniffing a lot out loud, and at home, still the hand flapping goes along with it.

I think it's maybe more than one of us? Maybe it has to do with a need to cry. I think the hand flapping could be separate.

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That was unusual. I got so depressed and desperate and finally called my counselor from church. He is so nice. I feel he is very paternal. And caring. I am feeling I am only comfortable with accepting help from voluntary sources, IE the food pantry at the church where my Al-Anon meetings are held. And the Center for the Blind that paid for my glasses.

Government help is so frustrating, it's hard to qualify for. Don said the penalty for not getting health insurance is $100. I wonder if it is still that if you pay nothing. I'm unemployed and have been for 10 years, just about. No public assistance but for a year of mental health consultations with the county behavioral clinic.

I kind of feel if I hadn't done the year with the county mental health people, I wouldn't have been able to do the year with the church counselors. But I don't want to keep doing a year of frustration and non-help, a year of what I really need. The first did make me appreciate the second though. County mental health didn't have anything for repressed memories, which was my primary need when I was there, what I kept asking about. Therapist just kept shrugging me off--m-hmm was her comment when I asked about it. I was in such a bad way and so shy and low in self-esteem when I was there that all I could do was ask politely. She didn't even give me a reason why they didn't have it. No doubt it was the lawsuits, but they don't tell you that. I started there because I was forced in, threat of eviction, but I was kept going even when I moved and was living someplace else. They gave me Effexxor, but I think it was partly because they got it for free. Otherwise I doubt I'd have gotten it. And no other therapy for depression, which was what I needed and that's what they diagnosed me with.

Don recommended Frances McNutt, since I told him I had been reading some of books on accounts of Catholic exorcisms. Some of my alters, or maybe it's me, have a relative addiction to astrology. Which can leave a door open in the psyche, not good. We don't look stuff up anymore, or read books about it, it's just the birth chart has been in the head and it sometimes seems okay, but really causes trouble other times.

He picked me up and we went to a Christian coffee bar I go to with my Al-Anon sponsor sometimes. I had not been going with her because I feel weird when I go lately. I haven't been making use of my counselors for quite a while till today, just couldn't stand my feelings lately.

It is a good coffee place and I like the music, a fair amount of people my age and I know some of them too.

I dreamed about George Clooney this morning, he was attracting attention for his role as Batman, and there is a picture of someone from my childhood on the refrigerator that has been disturbing me. From my other observations on my own dreams I know "batman" is a reference to "bad man", and the person in the photo definitely could be the source of my present insanity and bouts of fear and rushing thoughts, etc.

We talked about it a lot today. It was good to talk to him again, they are such accepting people.

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I read an article about this in the Sunday paper, last week or so. I did snip it but don't necessarily have the faith I'll bring it to the library and type it in, or even scan it. I just don't get organized too well. Or I don't think I do.

This is similar. Very interesting. I am convinced my grandmother was schizophrenic, and she had frequent bladder infections.
blogspot article behind cutCollapse )

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What are the odds that 2 people at an Al-Anon meeting would have the same disorder that only affects 2.5% of the population? Weird. Someone described this to me at a meeting last week, when I said I thought I recognized her but I'm not sure. I pointed to my temple and said, "sometimes the Facial Recognition Software just doesn't work". She immediately described her disorder to me, here it is from Wikipedia:


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Prosopagnosia (Greek: "prosopon" = "face", "agnosia" = "not knowing"), also called face blindness, is a disorder of face perception where the ability to recognize faces is impaired, while other aspects of visual processing (e.g., object discrimination) and intellectual functioning (e.g., decision making) remain intact. The term originally referred to a condition following acute brain damage (acquired prosopagnosia), but a congenital or developmental form of the disorder also exists, which may affect up to 2.5% of the population.[1] The specific brain area usually associated with prosopagnosia is the fusiform gyrus,[2] which activates specifically in response to faces. Thanks to this specialization, most people recognize faces much more effectively than they do similarly complex inanimate objects. For those with prosopagnosia, the ability to recognize faces depends on the less-sensitive object recognition system.

Though there have been several attempts at remediation, no therapies have demonstrated lasting real-world improvements across a group of prosopagnosics. Prosopagnosics often learn to use 'piecemeal' or 'feature by feature' recognition strategies. This may involve secondary clues such as clothing, gait, hair color, body shape, and voice. Because the face seems to function as an important identifying feature in memory, it can also be difficult for people with this condition to keep track of information about people, and socialize normally with others. Prosopagnosia has also been associated with other disorders that are associated with nearby brain areas: left hemianopsia (loss of vision from left side of space, associated with damage to the right occipital lobe), achromatopsia (a deficit in color perception often associated with unilateral or bilateral lesions in the temporo-occipital junction) and topographical disorientation (a loss of environmental familiarity and difficulties in using landmarks, associated with lesions in the posterior part of the parahippocampal gyrus and anterior part of the lingual gyrus of the right hemisphere).[3]

There are two types of prosopagnosia: acquired and congenital (developmental). Acquired prosopagnosia results from occipito-temporal lobe damage (See Etiologies and Affected Brain Areas) and is most often found in adults. This is further subdivided into apperceptive and associative prosopagnosia (See Types). In congenital prosopagnosia, the individual never adequately develops the ability to recognize faces.[4]

Well, the congenital form of the disorder may be 2.5& of the population. But I may have had this since at least high school. Also, there is something about an aunt who abused me till age 8 that involves facial/hairstyle recognition.

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My sister pointed out that someone in the local paper spelled 'bona fide' as 'bonified', not kidding, and on the same page, 'curlicue' was' curliqueue'.

I did the food pantry thing a few weeks ago, first time, kind of silly that I never did it before...but totally me. It was about a week's worth of groceries, and you can only do it once a month. But I'm stealing like an idiot from my mom. She lets food rot, cooks it and puts it in the fridge, cooks more, puts it in the fridge, is not giving it away, just keeps it up. For all that, some of it is still stealing and when she was getting chocolate ice cream by the bucket, I  couldn't stop myself.

I have been losing weight due to not having a lot to eat. But it's sort of controlled by having access to her food.

Everything is just weird.

kindmemory [userpic]

They must have been around for a while, I did not recognize the symptoms or see them  till a couple months or so ago, did not have bad bites, etc. till a couple months ago.

It was hell cleaning up before the exterminator came, on Tues. the 8th. I cannot go through  the whole description of the process, just too long. It ended up with a lot of family blood being spilled, figuratively speaking.
My middle bro kept blaming it on me, I told him not to come in my room, he jammed himself in anyway and was taking photos with his phone, saying I would be evicted, bleah bleah bleah, the photos would be used as proof that the bedbugs  were all my fault.

I was saying a bunch of crud back, including that our mother is a baby-raper, which I did not mean to say. Not that it is not true, but I didn't mean to necessarily say it at all, much less to say it now and in that way.

Maybe it was the right time and more or less the right thing, because my youngest brother, who is always more helpful and positive than middle bro, later said he felt more understanding that I had had a hard life. He could see it now. I had also blurted out that Mom had been propositioning me decades ago when I hit her, slapped her. Once after a long time she did it again and I threatened her with a yardstick, and she backed off.

I am still unsure of the chain of events of what happened when, but middle bro at one time lured me to sleazy hotel room with his wife by saying it was just weekend getaway, then did something so horrible to me that I did not remember, did not remember for 20 years, dismissed the blood as symptom of food poisoning from restaurant.

Oddly I do not believe he remembers the event, it is just normal for our family to react to abuse with more and more angry and abusive behavior. But he still did it and it took the rug out from under me.

Someone in our system knew that on Sat. Morning there would be some kind of trouble, and they just said, "I don't want to be there, I don't want to be there". I don't blame them, they must have seen it coming. Not sure the rest of us did.

Our core, Liz, died recently, but it was part of a spiritual process, others of us have died and been revived in the body, as opposed to those of us who die and after a while are available again, but in the spirit world as opposed to coming to the front, I guess. She is back or is coming back, I do not know which.

So weird, the plural life.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: oh shit, is whut
kindmemory [userpic]

9-13-13, Have a lucky day.

Current Music: Spike's trigger ditty, "early one morning..."
kindmemory [userpic]

fantastic layout that is slinkslowdown's layout, from fruitstyle, amazing. I think I am in love. I guess from looking at the page I could also add my background tile, the everlovable plaid.

kindmemory [userpic]

Weird, I had this thought today that up till now I had just chosen losers as boyfriends--well the two guys I ever went with regularly were heavy drug and alcohol abusers and not responsible for themselves much, always depended on other people to take care of them. Of course it turns out one was schizophrenic--I sure haven't taken care of myself well. The other was so badly off, it was easier to feel sorry for him because he cared about people more than the first.

I did not think I was the type of person who ever called people losers, though. But these guys did not seem to be trying to do their honest best. They were not just losers, they were liars. The second one all but committed suicide. He let his problems eat him up. I am sure I didn't help much but I did the best I could. He was just someone who was toxic to me because he was not trying to get better in a wholesome way. He gave into people who advised him badly.

The first just seems to look for people to blame for his problems. I guess that does add up to loser. It still sounds pretty mean though, and probably best not slung out by me unless I have a good excuse.

Um, oh and positive self-esteem note: they lost me. (I am sure I attract people who are like me and who have a lot of negativity, and I was attracted to them. Please, positivity, come my way and stay!)

Life is just weird. I had been thinking about trying to look for a DID/Multiple group in the area. I suppose I need to look for something that would help in the schizo area too. I up and down but doing okay with my Al-anon. It is a good thing I have a very helpful sponsor, who doesn't kick me too much, but if I am withdrawing a lot then she does say, "now look here...". So to speak.

kindmemory [userpic]

It's weird because We/I learned a kind of shocking thing about the core and it's really working on us. We do not like to see feet of clay on a hero. But I think she was limited from the beginning, being thrown to a den of wolves.

Birthday this year--we got pizza, finally which is what the core has wanted for a long time. Wanted choc. cake too, but you can't get everything.

Cleaning up clutter due to a bedbug infestation, o bleepety-bleep those effing things are nasty. They actually seem to get in nose and ears. Fortunately we have small bottle of Patchouli essential oil--smear it around the openings to nostrils and ears, and they stay out. Criminy jeepers.

The exterminator is coming in a week, need to be ready by then.

Books/dvd due Monday, hope we remember.

Current Mood: creeped out by bedbugs
kindmemory [userpic]

She sounds really callous, and like she has a real attitude about her whiteness-this is another person who now everyone knows about the bad behavior, but she ill not really be made to suffer for it in this life.:" target="_blank">The Paula Deen Incident; you should know all that's being alleged before defending her
DARYL K. WASHINGTON JUN-29-2013 1079943 0

36.2K 1672 Google +563 580 408 43.9K 1721
I've finally had the opportunity to review the complaint filed against Paula Deen. For one, many people have been making this incident about the "N" word only, but it's much more than that. I personally find it to be offensive whenever someone from another race is accused of using the "N" word they are somehow given a pass because of the use of the "N" word by some in the black communities. Let me be the first to say that I find the use of the word by anyone to be wrong. However, when it's used in a racist or insulting manner, it hurts more.

I think individuals who are trying to defend Paula Deen's use of the "N' word should probably familiarize themselves with all of the facts of the case against her. Just so you know, in case you didn't know, the person who initiated the complaint against Paula Deen and her brother is not "Black." She is a "white female" who was subjected to years of abuse and was finally fed up with her black employees being treated poorly, so stop thinking it was a black person complaining about Paula Deen's use of the N word. Furthermore, Paula Deen indicated that she used the N word over 20 years ago. That is not what's being alleged against her. She went as far as telling a guy he was as black as a blackboard. That lady is something else and I'm glad I never supported any of her ventures. I personally find it insulting that so many black people are coming to the defense of Paula Deen after reading what she and her family subjected their employees to. When I learned about the major companies dropping Paula Deen without being demanded to do so, I knew it was deep. The fact that any civil rights activist is supporting Paula Deen is insulting and is a slap in the face.

Here's a summary of some of the things being alleged against Paula Deen, her brother Bubba Hiers and the Deen business entities:


Paula Deen, while planning her brother's wedding in 2007, was asked what look the wedding should have. She replied, "I want a true southern plantation-style wedding." When asked what type of uniforms the servers should wear, Paula stated, "well what I would really like is a bunch of little n*ggers to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around;

Black staff had to use the back entrance to enter and leave restaurant;

Black staff could only use one bathroom;

Black staff couldn’t work the front of the restaurants;

Brother Bubba stated his wishes: “ I wish I could put all those n*ggers in the kitchen on a boat to Africa”;

Bubba asked a black driver and security guard "don’t you wish you could rub all the black off you and be like me? You just look dirty; I bet you wish you could." The guy told Bubba he was fine as is;

Bubba on President Obama: they should send him to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, so he could n*gger-rig it;

He shook an employee (Black again) and said” F your civil rights…you work for me and my sister Paula Deen;

Paula’s son Jaime's best friend managed the Lady & Sons restaurant. He threatened to fire all the 'Monkeys' in the kitchen. When Paula found out…she slapped him on the wrist and suggested that the employee visited Paula's $13,000,000 mansion so he felt special and could be massaged.

I feel Paula Deen, her brother and anyone who treats people poorly should not be given a free pass. I wonder if Paula is truly sorry that she used the "N" word or that she was reported by someone who looks just like her. I appreciate the lady having the courage to report Paula Deen. It's people like her and the videographer who leaked the 47% comments made by Mitt Romney who should be receiving the attention, not Paula Deen.

Daryl K. Washington is an attorney located in Dallas, Texas. His practice includes Sports and Entertainment, Civil Rights, Litigation and Business Transactions. The opinions expressed in the commentary are those of Daryl K. Washington. You can reach Daryl at or you can visit his website at
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kindmemory [userpic]

Looking at stacks of old Majesty and Royalty magazines at home, for weeks. So depressed. Every day or every other day, people come up and go through therapy or whatever. Letting go of feelings and not saying what it is that is hurting them. At the same time, the magazines are either getting thrown away or stolen and given to someone, I have no idea. Stuff disappears all the time and I know it's people in my system acting out or whatever. But it's upsetting like the time they dumped my purse with all kinds of money in it somewhere.

Kind of depressing, I just went through some online photos of various English Royal events, and I'm thinking why did I spend all that time and money ever on all those magazines. Though when I am home I guess it is much better to look through them and have something to do other than lie there depressed and worrying about stuff.

I found a gold bracelet that I forgot I had, I can't remember where I got it and that's not me. I vaguely think I do, like someone gave it to me, or I found it in a rare moment of luck. I do find some interesting stuff outside sometimes.

Really depressed and I'm tired of it. But there is more shit in there waiting to be release and not understood till such time as I can handle it. I did call up Ty to handle the thefts, find out why they are happening. Or whatever he can find out. I seem to be incompetent at selling what belongs to me to make a decent score off of it, to get groceries or something nice. I remember once doing really well at a garage sale,then sinking the money into something that turned out to be a loser. I feel like I should have known better. But I didn't.

Geez everyone in the Royal family looks so much older than they did the last time I saw them, except Kate and William, who I had seen recently on TV and magazines of course. Interesting history sometimes.

kindmemory [userpic]

I did get my sponsor call in last week, was much easier than I thought, already paid for--long distance call, she has unlimited long distance plan. Otherwise no could afford call to another state.

I realized I actually misquoted the Bible to someone else, it was kind of serious, so I have to go back and correct myself. I feel like an idiot. It was someone in my system, but the rest of us get to enjoy the consequences of the actions of the rest of us. Or NOT enjoy, as it happens this time around. And the sponsor call last week was about inadvertent dishonesty.

kindmemory [userpic]

Christina Brand shared Jennifer Lerczak's photo.
Jennifer Lerczak

Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits. This IS the recipe
1 pack buttermilk biscuit mix (I used Bisquick, about 1 1/2cups)
1 1/2cups shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 cup milk
2 tbsp butter
1 tbsp oregano (you can omit or use less)
3/4 tsp garlic salt
1. Preheat oven to 400F. Spray cooking sheet with non-stick spray.
2. Put biscuit mix, cheese and milk in a bowl and mix well to form a sticky dough.
3. Using spoon, drop lumps of dough onto cookie sheets 1.5in apart. Bake for 10min.
4. In a bowl, melt butter and mix with oregano and garlic salt.
5. When the timer goes off, take them out and brush with butter mixture and bake 5min at 400F and another 5-6min at 350F.
6. Transfer into a plate and serves immediately.

Sounds good to me.

kindmemory [userpic]

Missed my sponsor call this morning, can't help but feel that someone on the inside did that deliberately. It worked out okay last time.

I had a dream this a.m. about the British Royal Family, particularly the Prin. of Wales, late. She was wearing a dress, so it is about betrayal and housing. I think.

I keep seeing a blonde woman in a white shirt, almost looks like a man's shirt, but is a womans. Or the other way around. Er, confusing. I feel like it might be something about humor. The woman is riding a broomstick, and very blonde, pony tail. Eh, I have no idea.

My comment got screened at multiplicity. Did I get reported for something? Sheesh.

The missed call this afternoon scares me, and so does the fact I keep getting higher library fines. I feel like I'm just watching it happen. I guess I do feel like, ...what can I do, or just, this was meant to be. But something is definitely wrong. i think.

Oh yeah, whoever dreamed about Prin. Diana, she was in a frumpy dress. That person took us downtown today, which maybe we needed to do.

kindmemory [userpic]

kindmemory [userpic]

Subconscious mind:

The emotional and mental energies which were developed in early childhood, affect behavior and mental conditions in all human beings and become strong motivational forces which act on the subconscious plane. If the conditioning was based in fear, trauma, betrayal, or shame, then the person will react with that same programming until it is reprocessed at the subconscious level. The conscious mind cannot heal these energies, nor can it heal deep-seated resentment and guilt –both of which have a powerful ability to make a person physically sick[...]

That's from a post at Evil Sits At The Dinner Table. More:

“Reality Therapy” teaches that no matter what someone has been through in their childhood, they can suddenly “choose” different behavior and focus solely on the here and now. This leaves the grieving child inside the adult survivor feeling unheard. Unless a person knows why they are suffering and are given the tools to transmute past trauma, no amount of positive thinking will help them.

Human beings are not lab rats. Behavioral modification therapy is useless without first addressing the subconscious. When an authority figure rips a child apart physically, emotionally, and spiritually, the effects will remain with the victim forever unless the pain is reprocessed. Behavioral modification and reality therapy can ultimately cause a person to become a robot of concepts taught in text books, and those concepts will never truly heal a person.

Ignoring the subconscious mind is like being trapped inside your home, and you put a sign asking for help on the roof of your house and someone comes along and throws a blanket over it. In frustration, you place an even bigger sign on the roof, but the person comes and knocks it down. Finally, in desperation, you set fire to the entire house because you know that someone will finally come to help you. The subconscious mind is the one putting out the signs and the conscious mind keeps trying to cover them up. When the subconscious is ignored, it becomes angry and screams for attention by setting the fire.

kindmemory [userpic]

"Family members have been known to ask a survivor to stop having therapy, or to use anti-depressants, instead of working through their trauma.  This request is made because it is more comfortable and convenient for the family, not because it is best for the person who is trying to heal."


I feel like someone from my 12-step group did that to me. I got hit by a car while living at her house. After she & her hubby let me have a room in their house for a few weeks or a month, I got a job. Apparently something happened on the way home from work, but I didn't remember it, it was pretty nasty. NO memory, just was scatty as hell, kept going back and trying to figure out what happened, but my "brain" kept saying nothing to see here, no problem.

I got hit by a car after working about 5 or 6 months--was just about to get health care benefits--and I could not go back to work even after I was better, couldn't sue the guy that hit me, couldn't do anything but watch tv. The woman, whose mother owned the house, did recognize it as depression, but she said, you go to the emergency room and get drugs. I couldn't. I called my mom's old shrink, who recommended a free clinic, govt. sponsored. But I couldn't get in for months, lady let me stay anyway, then I got a break and a friend was leaving her house empty while she sold it so she asked me to move in. She did want some rent but I couldn't pay. After a while her husband told her the house would be ransacked if it were left empty.

Which is true, terrible neighborhood. Every other person was a drug dealer--or hooker I think. Someone camped out under the porch. I was not sympathetic, did not realize it was the son of an acquaintance and mostly harmless. Though he was messed up and ended up in a mental institution.

Anyway, I did get free housing from two women, the first younger than I. I kind of feel like she was snapping her fingers under my nose, she was impatient with everything I did and every mistake, and you cannot live with someone like that. She was always screaming at her husband--who was not the world's greatest husband by any means, and he kept making passes at me after I kept saying no. Honestly what I resent is getting a job before I knew what the hell was going on in my head, even though it seemed like the sensible thing to do. I felt like I could never pay this woman enough rent, and after I lost my job and had to live off my bank account, I had to empty it and almost fainted on my way to the therapy--which didn't do much for me, wouldn't even look at repressed memories.

They sure did give me drugs though, because they got them for free. If it would have cost them anything, I would not even have heard about them. Unless it's really some kind of emergency, I do not want any kind of pharmaceuticals. Aspirin or ibuprofen for pain or maybe something stronger for surgery. Or if you are dying of cancer and want painkillers.

Current Location: pubyulic liberry!
kindmemory [userpic]

Haven't watched this yet, one for later:

Are those who protect child abusers worse than the abusers themselves?:

kindmemory [userpic]

I read Gregory Maquire's Lost, till 4 or 5 in the a.m. at least, and cried and cried at the end, it triggered off something. Something was kind of triggering me all day. It hurts to relive whatever it is, and especially to be in confusion about it, but it means feeling what I/we need to feel. Which is great. It just scares me that I'm so confuse over what happened. This time it partly ended in some joy, and I think in general I know what it it was about, but I would say it was also about a much-trodden road, one travelled for many different reasons. 

In short, when I go down it I can never just focus on one event, one memory. They all come at me at the same time. 

I talked to my friend Kay last week, I was talking about needing a "new" non-portable phone--actually one just for me. Surely there are a million of these around, and I just need to hit the right Goodwill, St. Vincent De Paul, whatever. I just bought a battery for the house one, sis thought that was the problem. Well, maybe that was one problem, but it's just planned obsolescence, it looks like now. I need a phone and no way can I afford a cell, so it's scrape bottom for me--invest what little I have in one that will not break down in a year or two. 

I got some scrapbook papers to use as journal covers, and some watercolor pencils, on Saturday. Then went to  Panera and got a bagel and refillable coffee. It was fun and I got some work done on the journal, things caught up with. But I wasn't keeping track and let things get by me. I think it is the unremembered trauma, that I am working as hard as I can to get at that is distracting me. 

As always, keeping me from doing what I should/would do. Okay, not that bad but keeping me from some very ordinary things going right, things a lot of people take for granted. 

kindmemory [userpic]

I read  a book recommended by underlankersn a post recently, the local library happened to have it--The Holocaust by Bullets, by Patrick Desbois, a French Catholic priest whose grandfather was imprisoned by Germans in WW II. I had to fight off some feelings of bitterness, Catholic-raised here, but this guy is using what he has to help some other people.

Someone at a Christmas party some guy talked about the Mental Illness Happy Hour, which I have yet to look up--something about confession being good for the soul.

Sort of odd dream this a.m. after I went back to sleep. I was walking down the sidewalk in front of my house, and saw some woman I recognized, see all the time and just don't know who she is, really, never have spoken to her. Then I woke up. She still seems as familiar as heck, a woman walking around in a house coat and sneakers with ankle socks, an institutional bob to her silver hair. She must be in 60s or 70s at least.

When I woke up I thought oops. I thought that was real, the sidewalk and street looked real. I had no idea I was dreaming and have never met or seen that woman in my waking life.

Also read Stephen King's Needful Things and The Wind Through the Keyhole. Loved them.

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